If animals could talk, what would they say?

Let’s break down what I think some of them might say.

First, let’s look at domestic pets. Dogs would constantly ask to play or to be praised. Dogs are usually seen as sympathetic animals, so they’d probably also ask you what’s wrong or comfort their owners when they feel down. Many breeds also like to complete tasks and be useful to humans, so they might say something like, “Would you like me to fetch you today’s newspaper?” And hunting dogs might scream, “Oh my god, there’s a bird here! I found one!” Dogs tend to feel lonely when their owners aren’t around, so they might say things similar to an obsessive girlfriend or boyfriend such as “Are you going out? How long are you going to be out? When are you going to be home? Who are you going with? Oh I know that guy. I like his dog. Can I come too?” And when their owner comes home after an hour, they probably say things like, “Oh my god, you’ve been gone for so long. I thought you had left me forever. I missed you so much. Where did you go? Oh yeah, where’s my food?” If they destroyed something and you found out and scolded them, they’d probably apologize for having done it while giving some stupid excuse like, “I’m sorry, but I had to chew up your sock because it smells like you.”

Now, cats are very different creatures. Cats would probably sternly ask you to stop touching them and leave them alone. They’d probably also push something off a shelf or table as they ask whether it’s important to you. They’d probably also lie and deny having broken the things they definitely destroyed. When they circle around your feet, they’re probably saying, “Pet me!” And after petting them twice, they roll over on their backs, and say, “Here, touch my tummy. Look how cute and vulnerable I am.” And most humans would probably go for it, but that’s a big mistake. The moment you try to touch them again, they’d swipe or bite you, then say, “Psych! I can’t believe you fell for that. Haha, humans are so stupid.” I believe cats would also wake you up early in the morning with their bottom on your face, saying, “I believe you have slept enough, peasant, now feed me, for I am hungry.” Speaking of food, they’d probably eat half the bowl and then say, “My bowl is empty.” They’d also claw at the back door, saying, “Open the door, peasant.” And once you open it, and ask why they didn’t go out, they’d laugh and say, “I only asked for you to open it. I didn’t say I wanted to go out.” then walk away with their tail in the air. As an added bonus, they’d probably also threaten to kill you if you ever dare to put those stupid clothes and accessories on them ever again.

However, there are also some less than pleasant things that animals would say. Birds would probably ask you to let them out of their cage and let them fly freely outside. Wild animals kept as exotic pets would also ask to be released back into the wild. Wild animals would ask humans to stop hunting them as trophies, and farm animals would ask us to stop slaughtering them for meat, fur, or hide. Marine animals would ask us to stop polluting their homes with sewage and plastics. All wild animals would ask us to stop destroying their natural habitats and draining their resources.

On the other hand, I do wonder what zoo animals would say. While some animals may thank us for rescuing them from natural disasters, would some animals mercilessly point out that the planet wouldn’t have been like this in the first place if it hadn’t been for humans? That humans are the root cause of many species’ extinction?

We may never find out what animals truly think, but we should consider the impact we may have on their lives at our own convenience, and never treat them in a way we wouldn’t wish to be treated.

Loki

Vocabulary

break down (phr. v) ? to separate something into smaller parts
psych! (slang) ? used as an exclamation which serves to tell what you just said was false or wrong; just kidding
peasant (n) ? a person who has a low income, very little education, and a low social position
hide (n) ? the strong, thick skin of an animal, used for making leather
point out (phr. v) ? to tell someone about some information, often because you believe they do not know it or have forgotten it
root cause (n) ? the fundamental reason for the occurrence of a problem